'Ello Jello

fuckyeahlilymaecua:

No one can see whatever you’re typing:

No one can see whatever you’re typing or which website you’re surfing:

But if you’re that paranoid:

This is like 4 years old but still, privacy please

- Sex

- Having sex

- Regretting having sex

- On the way to a girls house to have sex

- Picking up girls at the club then having sex with them

- Inventing sex

- The neighbors hearing him have sex

Okay, gather around and listen the fuck up…

1. Brew coffee
2. Let coffee cool
3. Replace filter and coffee grounds with new filter and new coffee grounds.
4. Pour first batch of coffee back into the coffee maker.
5. Brew AGAIN
6. Lift off

Let me tell you people something. I work nights and needed a way to stay energetic. I finally found the answer…

I just drank “double brewed coffee” and I feel like I can throw an orange at 60 percent the speed of light. Do you realize that if I had a boomerang right now I could kill god, eat his meat, and use his hide to stay warm during those long nights on the savanna? ENERGY. After drinking this special coffee I suddenly find myself triangulating coordinates and shit in my mind. I’m pretty sure if I was a floating head that I’d be able to float directly to the Bermuda triangle without stopping for directions. I have so much energy that I’m now watching half hour long sitcoms in just seconds!

You ever notice that They don’t have any type of Karate for German shepherds? if dogs learned to focus there chi, just imagine how fucked we’d be? Well, I wouldn’t be fucked, but you most certainly would be. Right now I could probably fight off a giant ghost flamingo made entirely from ninja stars and tazers. In fact, I’m about 85 percent certain that I could fuck up a 2003 Nissan Altima, if it were to suddenly become self aware and hostile towards me. ENERGY.

I have so much energy that I can multitask more shit right now than your lazy ass will accomplish within the next 4 months. While I type this I’m also filming a remake of “tango and cash”, done with puppets. Simultaneously, I’m also updating my match.com profile while dry humping a zebra and skiing.

And guess what? I just squeezed a new York steak with my bare hands and crushed that shit into individual calories! I am the ghost of Jim Varney and I will haunt you into infinity! I am the one that inspired the “blade” movies and I will triumph! I am the singularity, the way, the light, the man who can turn a normal visit to the zoo into a multiple felony getaway vacation to the andromeda galaxy and I don’t take shit from anyone!!

If you wanna lay around until you morph into a giant stick of butter and explode, that’s your choice. But if you want so much energy that you could morph into a cybernetic plasma cheetah and beat the fuck out of the power rangers then I suggest you try “double brewed coffee”. ENERGY.

interwebs you never cease to amaze

not that difficult to stock for

That’s assuming you knew the apocalypse was coming and had sufficient savings and, more importantly, time, to prepare. My expectation is that zombiegeddon will be a complete surprise (not in a ‘happy birthday!’ kind of way, more like in a ‘hey! we haven’t spoken in a while but maybe you should get tested’ kind of way).